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| All work and no updates makes Max a ..... bit edgy? I don't even know. Things have been as they always are: slow, repetitious, uneventful, dull, drawn-out, lackadaisical, dry, boring. My hand is finally almost at a fully healed state. The scab is all gone and now it's just flaky pink skin. I started back at school this week. I have Composition 2, Microeconomics, and Web authoring. Two core classes, blah. Micro sucks. I hate economics. It's just a stupid list of vocabulary words. All the concepts are very simple and easy to understand. And I think it's funny we think we have an understanding of our social economic structure. I think we do to an extent, but if you tried to truly study our economic structure and social structure you would find most people just go with the flow. No one truly has an understanding themselves, they just let it happen and live their lives without even a second thought on the subject. I also have to hold my tongue in the class because my teacher is a supporter of the capitalist way of life. She has to look at everything impersonally and for the whole, but in our society today the whole excludes those without any worth. If you can't contribute to society in some sort of progressive manner, if you can't do anything after you've been outsourced, then tough shit. You aren't worth protecting.
Fucking hate economics. Web authoring is allright. I plan on going through the summer, so I will have my associates in December. I need to get better with 3DS. I think I want to be 3D Modeler now, with running a few web pages on the side. Just for fun stuff. I really like the idea of that, actually.
I have been feeling a little drawn out lately. Things are still going very well. Although I am trying to find a new second job. Caribou is killing me with the hours. So here's to finding a new job. Kelli and I are still getting along for the most part. We have been fighting a bit lately. I think the main problem between us we agree on a lot of things, but the reason we see things the way we do is different...very different. She doesn't understand the way I think, which I guess is fair enough, I do have a strange way of looking at things and I will admit I can be fairly manipulative of situations. Not to mention how argumentative I can be on any given subject. But we just can't agree on why we think of things the way we do. We agree on the ends, but not the means. It can be somewhat tiresome. Plus, and I hate to say this, I think it is bothering me her apathy towards religion. I've said it a bunch of times before and I will state it once more, I don't care what people believe, as long as they believe in God in some sort of way. And I just don't think she wants to think about it, or cares about it.
That bothers me. She believes in God, but she doubts everything about Him, His love for us the most. It's because she doesn't understand how God could love us after what we've done, after considering how often we have turned away from Him, and she just can't bring herself to believe just for the hell of it. She is too afraid of being let down. She is scared. So she just doesn't think about it. Maybe it's also a way for her to rebel against her family. They are all uber christian, so it could easily be associated to that. I don't think Kelli is going to hell, but I don't see our relationship is going anywhere if she can't bring herself to think about what she believes, if she can't get over her doubt. It has alot to do with her relationship with her father, but I think that's unfair to categorize God with someone who is expected to make flaws. I think it's unfair to ask God to explain Himself to you just so you wouldn't have doubt. If God would do that, why wouldn't He just leave us in Heaven then? If He wanted everything to be done for us, then why would he bother with this entire process of living. He wants us to find it in ourselves to love Him.
She also has struggles with the fact that God says our only purpose in heaven will be to glorify Him. While I don't think that is necessarily untrue or fair, I think there is more to it than that. But I guess that comes back to the Bible, which I have quarrels with as it is. I just believe in God's love. I want to believe that God has a sense of humor and loves us enough to forgive us when we cross the line. It's a hope, rather, it's faith. I have absolutely no way to prove anything I believe. No one does. Don't think you do. Don't think you have to prove yourself to anyone. You don't have to. I wish I could say to a mountain, move over here, and it would move, but I don't have that kind of faith. But I try my best. That's all I ask of people. Know what you believe, or at least be trying to find something to believe, and follow it with all your heart. Is that a bad thing? I don't know.
I suppose I have felt a lack of faith lately. Maybe I've been searching for change in Kelli. It's not that I wanted her to believe in Christ, I just wanted her to believe in something. Believe in God's love. I think that is something every should believe in if they are to believe anything. Even nordic religions believed in the approval of their Gods, and these guys were barbarians. Blah. I'm rambling.
I've just been frustrated lately. That's all. I just don't think our relationship will go anywhere if she can't believe in something. Actually, I know. And she seemed to be searching, but lately she has been stalling out, I suppose. What am I ever to do? Who knows.
I started reading Ted Bundy: Interviews with a Serial Killer. That's an interesting read. He's a sly little talker. I am halfway right now and I really enjoy it. I haven't been seeing people very much lately, so I guess I have been returning to my anti-social ways. It was very easy to do so once I got out of the house with the fellas. Kelli is the only person I see more than once a week now. I hardly see Kyle even because I am gone so much. I guess I have disappeared. Now I just need to spend some time away from Kelli and I will completely disappear. That would be nice. Of course there is always school and work. I am starting to be more sociable at ITT. The other students are the same kind of apathetic geek I am. Only concerned with the latest 3D software or gaming knowledge. It's sad how much geeks compete on knowing stuff.
I think that's all I got tonight. Life has been life. My sister is still in Americus as far as I know, although she should be coming back soon. My dad is old and grumpy, and always needs help on the computer, and both my parents forget my schedule two hours after telling them. I have decided to once again attempt to get a website up. I am trying to find the right host site. I don't want a freebie site, and I haven't really decided on a name. I still have trashed ideas, but I want something else. Something of my own preference, my own development. I have been tossing around a few names, nothing I am really keen on yet though.
Other than that, nothing has been up. Ta ta for now.
All this time is wasted on
Everything I want
HERE I AM
Comfortable
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| Sorry I haven't written in so long. I feel somewhat ashamed. Things have been interesting lately. Ups and downs. The trip to Florida was fun and a bit eye opening. I enjoyed my stay there and learned something new about myself. I have since come back and jumped into the same routine as I always do. At least I don't have school to worry about right now. I have a two week break until next quarter starts back up. I had money issues lately but most of them have resolved themselves.
I always wish I had more to say. I can't even force myself to write anymore. I always want to write, but as soon as I put it out, it seems saturated. It seems tainted because it is forced. It bugs the hell out of me. I suppose I am guilty of that over-self-critical syndrome. I'm sure there is some real scientific term for it, but I'm not in the mood. I am actually quite happy. Things are finally leveling off for me. I want to know my new school schedule so I can attempt to find a different secondary job. The hours at Caribou aren't enough and they are too early for me. It's really starting to get to me. I need the money though. Heh. Need. Need money. I used to always write about how I didn't need money. It's just dumb. I guess I've turned hypocritical. I think that might be another reason I get so frustrated with myself these days. I realize I am becoming more moderation-friendly, compromising more things I never thought I would.
I wasn't surprised when I compromised my drug thing. That I figured would happen. And I always knew in the back of my head that I would eventually give in to neutrality in life. The midway point. I knew it would happen. I guess I'm just sad it finally is. I could fight it. I could fight off this change in me. But I would have to give up things. I would have to remain immature and in my own delusion of what the real world is. It's so sad to give up your beliefs on things. I feel like the world has already won and now I am trying to shape a new delusion of real, one where I am still right but just forget about the compromises I've made. My world is perfect because I thought it up and we just tuck my previous imperfections under the rug like they never existed. That's what I do. I hate that I need money. I don't want to need money. I don't want to need a job. I don't want to think that our government isn't going to change and that people aren't going to leave their own delusions of real. It's just so depressing.
The real world is just a cold void in our eyes. We take our experiences and our perception and fill this whole to make us comfortable. The real world has to be comfortable or no one is happy. Or your not happy. What's the point of existing if it isn't to be happy. Even martyrs get some sick satisfaction out of living up their self-fulfilling purpose. We live in the comatose of denial that is our delusion world. It's the same for every person. It's why we haven't progressed in humanity. Sure we fight for rights and equality, but these are all standards that we set for ourselves. Our own humane way of treating humanity. The humane human brought on by the thoughts of a delusional human. That isn't progression. I guess humans have just accepted we can't progress past our own delusions of humanity, so we must further extend our thoughts of progression. Enter post-modernism. If we can look past our own entities of delusion, maybe we can see far enough down the road to fix things. That's the general concept, but it's once again tainted.
I don't think that will ever change. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe we are just satisfied with our delusions. What more do we need? Do we need something other than a home, a good job, a family, a car, a nagging in-law, trials and tribulations of early educations and social peer pressures that we convince ourselves we are over as soon as we hit college and live on our own. Somehow moving out, despite it's clear indication of change, means we are now our own person and have completely developed to make our decisions. I find that dumb. I think this is still a huge part of growing up, and I think our society has created this delusion that as soon as you move out, the world is yours. But as you grow up and become independent, and try and make a living, whether clean or bad, you realize you don't have any control. It's like water seeping in through the cracks of your perfect delusional home. You don't want to accept it. You don't have to. This is your delusion. The world doesn't move beyond this point. Beyond this bubble.
It's sickening. We just completely give up thinking about what's going on in the real world. The cold void. Where children die of famine constantly. Where an estimated 10,000 people die a month in Darfur. Where children are still being sold into prostitution so parents can live a little longer. Where it's illegal to have more than two children in certain countries. Where people are being bombed for days on end. Where innocence is no longer measured on a personal level, but rather where you live. The place you call home. The domicile you return to at the end of your hard day, working for 10 hours just to make enough money to feed you and your two living children, the youngest clinging to the raggedy hand-me-down teddy bear your first born used before he was killed from being to close to a car bombing, and the second born sold months before to assure you had this home for just a little longer. The home being the hope of all your ambitions, your dreams, your desires, just to live. One day longer. To extend your ideal of real world. Your delusion.
So I sit here. Writing about my delusion of the real world. How I accept all of it's faults but don't claim any of my own. How I cry about the faults of humanity yet churn out the same results, day after day, dusk after dusk. Crying about our general degradation, without changing anything. Begging for forgiveness from the world, from God, from myself, without changing anything. Losing my principles like a bottle of honey coming out a jar, without changing anything. Watching the world spiral downward, without changing anything. Laughing at the world, knowing we are doomed to repeat everything over thrice fold, without changing anything. Bah.
Despite all this. I am happy. Call it a girl, call it things finally going my way, call it a loss of the will to fight with myself, call it the final acceptance of a dying age, call it anything you want. I'm happy. My self-revelation in Sarasota was that I try to hard a lot of the time. I try to make things happen or try and make myself be not who I am. It's largely influenced by the people I am around. I am going to try and not do that anymore. I have been reading lately. Diary by Chuck Palahnuik. It's pretty good, I'm about halfway through. I am glad to finally be reading again. I've missed it. I've had so many thoughts lately, I feel bad I haven't attempted to log them. Gone forever. The girl is good. I really do enjoy her and miss her. She is going to FL for the weekend herself. Lucky.
I suppose I should wrap this up. I love you all and God does even more.
Sleep with one eye closed
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| I'm going to make this short tonight. I don't feel all that well, I am a little sick. Well, not really sick. Just not feeling well. I have second degree burns on my hand from Tuesday night. I just got off work and headed over to Kelli's for the night, and she was going to cook fried plantains. Well, I went out to get some utensils from my car, and she turned the heater on with about two inches worth of vegetable oil in the pan. It caught fire. She didn't have any baking soda or flour, and no fire extinguisher. So I did the only thing I could. I grabbed a towel, grabbed the pan and tried to get it outside. I did, and only a small portion of my hand got burnt and a little bit of her carpet. We went to the ER around 12AM and didn't get home til nearly 6AM. Most of the burn blistered up and it popped earlier this morning. So it's all gross and raw skin looking. It doesn't hurt, but I have to be careful with what I do with my right hand now. Bleh.
I got my hair cut yesterday, and I have short hair again. I'll post pictures eventually. I am going down to Florida tomorrow for my vacation trip. The Anni aren't coming now, so it's just Bria and I. That should be interesting. I'm taking life easy right now. I finished two of my projects for school and only have one left, and that's a drawing project. Bleh. I have hardly touched it. I hate drawing. Money problems are fading away, and almost done with bills at 1818. Sweet. Life is pretty easy right now. Other than getting burned. I got to see Dani, going to see Heath next week hopefully, and Big Rob is supposed to visit me real soon too. Dave visited a while back. Hopefully I will see him next week as well.
Everything is dandy. Got to talk to Lani some today. Still loving life. I guess that's all there is. I love you all and God does even more.
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
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| So another day slowly passes into the ether. I have literally done nothing at work this evening. I want to go to sleep so bad. Got a few more things sorted out, like getting the internet finally hooked up at the new apartment, figured out some more details about the Sarasota trip, listened to Stairway of Heaven backwards and realized there aren't any satanic subliminal messages, but it still sounds awesome, figured out I can't get the hockey tickets until the day of, and found out I'm getting money back from the water deposit. So I guess that's a productive day.
I am trying my best to get my school projects done. I think once I get those done and signing the house papers tomorrow(hopefully) I will be a lot more stress free. I've been over at Kelli's more than I have my own apartment lately. Boo. I don't think I'm going to keep that up. I do like the new apartment. It's quiet, clean, has internet, and I really like the room setup, although it looks exactly the same as before. We are having a meeting here at Dekalb Tech tomorrow, the usual "you guys don't really work" bit. I guess that's true, but tonight they really didn't give me a single task to do. The two small tasks I was given I finished in 5 minutes each. So whatever.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6344725.stm Anna Nicole Smith is dead. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6343311.stm And we froze light. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6322237.stm Hinduism has gone cyber. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6338751.stm A 5000 year old love story.
I kind of miss reading the news sometimes. Oh man. I just remembered I'm supposed to go game with Anna K tonight. Arg. I don't really feel up to it. I totally thought that I was supposed to do that last night, but that's just how tired I am right now and how long this day has been. I hate Thursdays. It seems I'm going to have a little more money than I originally planned. Yippee. Please let the house signing go off without a hitch tomorrow. Please please please. I just want to be done with it all. Except a few bills have come in already. I'm thinking about getting a gun.
I don't really know why. I was just thinking about it today, and I think it's something I want to try at least once in my life. It's not so much protection or even use of the weapon. I don't particularly like guns, in all honesty. I guess it's the macho-man kind of thing. I just want to be able to shoot a gun well. Maybe I don't need to own one, then, rather, just start going to shooting ranges. I think that would suffice. Besides, you have to be 21 in Fulton County to get a CCW license. Psh.
I'm really happy with life. I get mad at myself a ton lately because I feel like I've lost focus over the last few months. I've just turned so bitter about the house and angry at Dana's hypocrisy on top of everything else. I also feel like I don't "need" religion or even want to pursue it any further, probably largely in part due to Kelli. I sort of always knew that would happen. As soon as I got what I wanted I wouldn't care what commitments I made before, they wouldn't be my main focus anymore. And that's sad. I'm turning into one of those "ditch friends for girl friend" kind of guy. I'm trying not to be that way. That's one of the reasons I'm glad I'm going on this Sarasota trip. It's going to help me connect with K again, and I will be able to be better friends with Alexa, and hopefully resolve things between B and me.
And Whitney, sorry. I have been a bad neighbor, and I haven't even come close to filling Kat's shoes. I'm so sorry. And Lani, we still haven't hung out. Come visit me in Atlanta. There is always stuff to do in the ATL. Or just call me. I miss talking to you. I have hardly talked to Heather as well, but hopefully I am getting my hair cut by Dani Wednesday. Hopefully.
I feel like I'm missing something these days. Maybe it is just my lack of motivation. I don't feel motivated to finish up school because I'm still not even sure what I want to do with my degree. I mean if you get a degree in literature or theology at least you have one particular field of study you can follow. Graphic design? Well, for one thing the degree definitely doesn't guarantee me a job. A lot will depend upon my skill. Which I don't have any as of right now. So then I wonder why I am paying so much money if I haven't really learned anything. Yet I still get A's. I don't know. And despite no clear career choices or my doubts in my education, I feel a void that those things couldn't fill. Hm. I think I need to pick back up my religious studies. Going to church is fun and all, and I really do enjoy my church, but I miss studying for myself, interpreting for myself. I miss not being told how I was supposed to read things.
Today will end just like all the rest. One sleep-deprived night after next. I suppose I will just have to carry on through the thick and thin of it all. I just want my close friends by my side through the ride. No one likes to fall alone. C'est la vie. I love you all and God does even more.
You're in my web now
I've come to wrap you up tight til it's time to bite down
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| Hello. I can do a real update this time around. There is more than enough time to accommodate such a need. Things are pretty good. I received my first "ass-hole" call from the guys today. Well, technically second if you count the bitching about me taking the trash can. Greg called in a fit of rage to inform me of how selfish I am and how much of an asshole I have been and how I should have just dealt with it and not been a bitch about leaving and just stayed. He also informed me that I only gave them two weeks notice and that I was costing him so much money. That was fun. I sort of lost my temper for about half a second and started to argue back, but realized how futile it was shortly after opening my mouth. He hung up on me after 90 seconds of preemptive dialog. I texted him back "Im sorry you feel that way" and let that be that.
Saye's application went through, so we are going to try and finalize everything this Sunday. Kelli is all moved into her new apartment. She got in a car accident Thursday night and thinks she totaled her car. Poor girl. I was on the phone with her when it happened, and my stomach just fell as soon as she told me what that sound was. She's doing better and has most of her stuff moved in now. It's a nice apartment off of Roswell Rd, so I'm happy for her. No more stupid curfews either. Teehee. Didn't go to work at Caribou today because of the weather. I could have gone but I stayed up late watching Silence of the Lambs, so I was pretty tired by the morning.
Got all my taxes back. I should get an estimated $400 back this year. I made almost 13k. Woohoo. Why am I still poor then? Heh. I got paid yesterday from Dekalb and I get paid again tomorrow from Caribou, so I will have a little bit of money for a week or so. Living with Kyle has gone really well. I feel a little awkward around him because we've never really bothered to get to know each other, so we don't really know how to act around each other when we're not at ends. At least that's the way I feel. The only other thing I have to complain about is the fact that he doesn't believe in heating. I came home to the apartment one time at 55 degrees. Now I'm not all about 75 degress, but at give me at least 65. I need some kind of warmth. I got a space heater today though, so that should remedy that.
But it is nice living with him. It really is a good move and I'm really happy about it. The apartment stays clean, he's pretty quiet and not home very often. I get to see Whitney more. I'm hoping to resolve some of the issues with the guys soon. They have every right to hate me. I know that. I don't blame them. But I'm hoping that a few of them will let bygones be bygones and not let to separate us. I don't want to lose my friends. Sad day.
So not much else is going on. I have been informed of all the projects I need by the end of the quarter. Started working on one for Animation, haven't touched the one for Rapid Viz., and almost done with my Flash one. I've been slacking in school lately though. I think I barely have A's in all three classes. Come on. One more 4.0 will put my overall grade at a 3.5. That's all I want. Finish school with High Honors. That would be neat.
I still don't really know what I'm going to do after school. I have lots of options and gaming companies I could join, but I'm not really sure where I would be happy. I don't mind Georgia, I just don't know what kind of graphical design area I want to be in. Tough choices. Plus my designs are nothing spectacular. I know that. I hope to get better at 3D modeling, though. I really do enjoy it.
Life is good. I'm kind of saddened by it. Life's challenges seem to be getting duller and look more like a playground than an obstacle course these days. I don't know why. Maybe the female in my life? I really really do like her. I'm taking her to the Chinese New Year's Gala event on Feb. 20th somewhat as a V-Day thing and somewhat as a 3 month anniversary thing. She's not all about VD so I'm not as worried about crediting it towards that. And plus it's only one day before the 3 month. Is it sad that I actually care about the 3 month thing? Do you think she cares? I don't think it's important by any means, I just remember. That's all. Peter hates my guts.
He came up to hang out Sunday and that wasn't at all awkward. He even came to church with us, and hung out with us when we watched What Dreams May Come. And even stuck around when Kelli started licking my face. There is a story behind that for a later time. He just wouldn't leave. It was sad. Kelli and I both feel really awkward around him now. I feel bad for him, but what else can I do? He doesn't want any help or attention from me. He wants Kelli to stop liking me and like him.
I hate drama. I hate the whole house/utilities situation, I hate the whole Peter situation, I hate money situations, I hate stress, I hate me. Oh yeah. I cut off the water yesterday... Justin didn't have them turned on in his name yet. He told me that he had all the bills in his name already. So he's going by tomorrow. I'm going to try and help him out with that if I can. Bah. I think that's all I got today kids. Nothing deep, which saddens me because I hate that this is only an everyday life journal and no longer my thoughts. Poop. I will get back into the thoughts stuff one day. I need more trauma in my life, then I can write for reals. I love you all and God does even more.
Who got the cool
Got the cool shoe shine?
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